Charity Football Match IV

So… CFM are back and this time its serious… With the support of Norwich City FC, On the 14th May 2011 CFM and friends took to the pitch at Carrow Road - where the group managed to raise a fantastic £6,737.00 going to Great Ormond Street Hospital.

 

Dave Cullen & Gareth Sparrowhawk (The Tigers)
 vs
Danny Jacks & Paul Maynard (The Lions)

Final Score: Tigers 3-1 Lions

This was the day when a group of like minded Individuals met to play the beautiful game of football the best way they could all in the name of raising as much money as they can for Great Ormond Street Hospital.

The management team for the home team, the Tigers were Dave Cullen, a young man that has played at most levels and has been known to be a game changer and some would say the concrete in the metaphorical wall and Gareth Sparrowhawk, a man not known for footballing talent but known to kick a ball from time to time with relative success. This man has game plans, tactics and excuses prepared, he is the modern day "Tinker Man or Special One" not always for the right reasons..

Managers for their opponents for the day, the Lions were Danny Jacks, a man that encompasses a lion on the pitch, heart on his sleeve, giving 100% to the game and puts his body on the line and Paul Maynard, a man with looks like he should be a professional model and fierce pace that would scare any defence.

These management teams match up in a battle of wits to see who will be the victor on the hallowed turf of Carrow Road, home to Norwich City Football Club.

As the players arrived and filtered into their respective changing rooms, each taking the opportunity to experience the stadium, its atmosphere and its history.

The immaculate playing surface and the weather conditions were prime for a meeting of two great teams, managed by two sets of managers with a very close and fierce rivalry.

As the players got changed, the managers of both sides issued formations and game plans they had carefully plotted to each player in their respected teams. Both sets of managers knowing that their opposite number knew the intricacies of their opponents side. The Tigers an attacking side similar to Brazil with their "we will score more goals than you attitude" and The Lions, a more defensive, counter attacking side similar to an Italian squad who "soak up the pressure, frustrate the opponent and catch them on the break method" the victor would be the side that could make the most of what they had in front of them and the ability to outthink the opponent.

Both teams walked out to rapturous applause from the Carrow Road faithful as the teams lined up for team photo's and the coin toss to decide who takes the kick off and who plays in which direction.

The Tigers, attacking the home end, right to left and had the centre kick in the first half, The Lions left to right.

The First 15-20 minutes of the game was highly contentious to say the least with both teams not wanting to give away the first goal. A few long balls were exchanged but possession was held well by both sides. The first real chance of the game fell to the long serving Canaries fan Jack Brennan, excellent work down the right side of the field starting from all the way back in defence, saw the ball spread out wide to Kris Graham who jinked inside and played a channel ball through to Hardy crossing from the right. The ball missing everyone in the box but finding a back post ghost of Brennan alone at the far post, on his favoured left, only for him to sky a golden chance into row ZZ.

The momentum in the early part of the game was with the Tiger who had an early chance to break the deadlock with another chance from a break down the right and a ball being cut across the sprawling Gilbert to land at Bennett's foot only to usher the ball away from the open goal onto the post, a narrow escape for the Lions.

This was clearly the start of a hotly contested game filled with many small battles going  on all over the pitch, Cullen Vs Maynard, Tucky Vs Conway and Rich Kelly Vs the Ref. First blood going to The Lions when Brennan cut in from the left looking to penetrate the space afforded to him only to be met by the staunch defending of Dale Kardos, Brennan repelling off the tackle of Kardos with the force of two magnets being pushed together positive to positive, the crowd erupting like in the days of the roman coliseums baying for blood.

The first breakthrough came to the ever pressing Tigers around the 25 minute mark. Again some neat football through the midfield, probing like a bee in a flower searching  for a way to the pollen, saw Shea hit a trade mark through ball into the path of Stephan Simmons, Jacks caught wrong on the sided of the player opting not to go to ground, leaving Simmons with too much space and time coolly slotting home the opener passing the ball into the right side of the goal giving Martyn Gilbert the Lions keeper no chance, 1-0 to the tigers, Carrow road went wild with cheers from the 20 strong capacity crowd.

At the half hour mark both teams made tactical changes and substitutions. This is where the game got interesting, well for at least the next 15 minutes anyway.

On to the pitch for the Lions came Dan Malcolm, whose first contribution was to take the legs of the nearest person to him. The Malc is never one to shy away from a challenge and as is often the case prefers the tactic of nail the guy first ask questions later.

Adrian Lunan also came to the field for the lions and was a revelation, with his pace and energy providing a new attacking force. Rob Sullivan, one of the Tigers substitutions did well and on a couple of occasions when faced with challenging balls over the top handled the situation with his own methods of defending. When I say methods of defending, I mean he panicked like a girl and hacked the ball away. 

For the first time Carlos Gilbert was brought into real action when a long ball eluded the tiger defence and sent Richard Kelly, paired with Craig "Frank Lampard" Hughes one on one. Carlos using his immense figure combined with his Peter Schmeichel technique to block Kelly and keep the Lions and bay and from equalising. Carlos was called into action twice more before the half time whistle blew and the Lions were unlucky not to level before the break.

The half time entertainment saw the WAGS all have a go at a penalty shoot out. Sarah Fernandez came out on top with a stunning strike and also a great save from Ellena. Scouts in the stand are looking to sign her up for next year's game.

The second half kicked off with the teams staying as they were.  Again cagey, the Tigers not wanting to relinquish the lead and the Lions did not want to get caught on the counter.  Danny Malc was throwing his forehead around as usual just heading everything in sight. Even when the ball was on the ground. Wilf Conway was desperately trying to get something started for the Lions but the resolute defence of Jimmy Smith, Sullivan, Sparrowhawk and Jacob Smith staying strong. Sparrowhawk appearing to be getting bored at this point and began show boating with the odd back heel and cross field ball, as is expected of a player of his calibre and concentration span.

Another tactical change after 15 minutes saw the Tigers offering more attacking options pushing Sparrowhawk and Sullivan towards the front (away from danger), Brennan, making his typical pings from the left and Scurfield looking to get up and down the right hand side but meeting the resolute defending of Chris Pitts solid at left back refusing to let him past like Gandalf the grey battling the Balrog in Minas Tirith, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!".

Carlos, the Tigers keeper was called into action on several occasions before another counter attack saw the Tigers grab their second and Simmons his brace. Tuckwood threaded a neat ball through to Shea who cleverly dummied to allow Cullen the time and space to pick out Simmons with a neat chipped through ball. Simmons made no mistake in burying the chance past a hapless Gilbert in goal.

The Lions frustration showed and they began to pour forward more and more. Foxy, Lunan and Richards trying hard to open up the Tigers defence.  All the while tactical and psychological stratagem being fed to them from interim manager Liam Kelly, who was unable to participate in the events of the day due to an unfortunate crutiate knee ligament injury involving a wardrobe, rope tied in a noose shape and a 60's adult magazine…. Changes needed to be made to stem the tide that was flowing in the direction of the Lions goal and Martyn Gilbert was replaced in goal by seasoned vet Danny Jacks. Martyn slotting in on pitch up front for the Lions.

Danny Malc, threatened to hit the referee in frustration at not getting any decisions, when Carlos made a run out of goal with the ball at his feet Craig Hughes felt it only right to use his creative tackling ability to bundle Carlos to the ground.

A quick free kick saw Jacob Smith burst down the right hand side, getting the better of Pitts, he cut back in and hammered a hard shot to Danny Jacks left and it was a great reflex save from Danny which kindly fell to Sparrowhawk who instantaneously developed a nose bleed being so far up the pitch and with a guilt edged chance left the ball to a poaching Simmons who neatly tucked away the rebound and with that picked up the third goal for the Tigers and the match ball. 3-0.

The Lions rallied from that point on and player manager Paul Maynard brought himself on to try and add the much needed spark which came moments later with Maynard picking up the ball outside the box cleverly and skilfully making his way past two defenders with only one man to beat, Maynard, shifting the ball and his weight to the right, charged forward into the box where he promptly passed out through exhaustion and fell on his face. ...PENALTY GIVEN.

Now in the grand scheme of amazing referee decisions this goes down as one of the best. Pundits will look over this decision for years to come and wonder was it right!!  I'll tell ya... NO, he's a cheating ****

The honour of the penalty kick was given to Martyn Gilbert who came face to face with Older brother Carlos in the Tigers goal.  Experience against youth, Blonde Vs Blonde.  Young Gilbert stepped up to slot home the penalty low to the left just beating the outstretched fingers of a diving Carlos. Reckon Martyn won't let him forget about that for a while. 3-1

The Lions began to sense a comeback was on and threw everything into attack. Lunan was proving a handful down the left and a low whipped ball hit Richards and was goal bound but for Carlos' face kepping the ball out.

At the other end Cullen whipped in a deep cross for the advancing Sparrowawk and he was inches away from connecting and making a name for himself for the right reasons.

Owen pushed the ball forward for a last gasp attack by the Lions, a corner saw Danny Malc glance a header close,  even though the Lions applying pressure to the Tigers resolve pulling one back in the 80^th minute it was to no avail as the ref blew the final whistle. The Tigers squad held on for their first win in CFM's biggest event to date.

It was a glorious day at Carrow road and 3 glorious goals from Stephan Simmons gave the Tigers a memorable victory at the home of the Canaries.

The Players:

The Lions

Adrian Fox:  a.ka Foxy - A fan favourite that always gives 100%, he won't disappoint, has an unexplainable ability to be in the right place at the right time, resulting in many conquests both on the pitch and in the bedroom - some more successful than others. What he lacks in technical ability, skill and flair, he makes up for in determination and fitness, has a terrific engine, will run and run. Shaves his head to look mean, will be one to watch - Red Card alert.

Adrian Lunan:  a.k.a AJ - We still have no idea why he refers to himself as AJ, but I do know for sure that he is a real athlete that will undoubtedly be one to watch, both in the showers and out. Two footed, or perhaps undecided, he can mark any player out of any game, organised, calm and assured. A modern day Linford, meaning, he's rapid, or a certain part of him is..!!

Chris Pitts:  The Pitts, the name says it all. Also originally from the Leeds area so is officially considered Dirty. Chris talks a great game and knows everything about everything just ask him something! Spent his footballing career at right back, mainly hiding. His huge lung capacity will have opposition players parting when they hear the cry of Chris's ball. Only for him to completely miss it, which he says he meant to do. Has been working on his fitness for the game and sees it as a comeback so anything could happen.

Craig Hughes:  Has been compared to Frank Lampard but only for his size! Can go from the sublime to the ridiculous in the blink of an eye, just ask him about his throw-ins. Not a player to come up against in a 50-50, not because of his hunger to win the ball but more for the worry of breakages, mainly his...St.John's Ambulance have been alerted to his participation...

Dale Kardos:  In Mexico they know his as "El Gigantor", in Spain "El Gigantor" and in England he is known as "The White Papa Bouba Diop". Dale is the women and men's favourite. This gentle giant has put on the timber on but could still walk the catwalk. Dale is annoyingly good at most sports, great to have in your squad and awful if he is not. Tackling this gentle giant is nothing short of running into a brick wall but don't fret he will pick you up, dust you down after obliterating you and ask you if you would like to join him at a day out at your nearest zoo or a woodland walk… Dale brings TWO cultured feet that are as accurate as William Tell's arrows, the height of a sky scraper, the strength on the ball of Geoff Capes. This introduces Dale Kardos, the ladies favourite..

Danny Jacks:  After finding out the venue for this year's match and wanting to keep his CFM 100% appearance record intact, he has strived to get what little fitness he has after yet another "career" threatening injury  up to acceptable levels(Walking pace). Listen out for a shout of "DANNY'S" followed by a Scholes-esque challenge...bosh! Will not complete 60 minutes FACT!

Danny Malcolm:  Dan the sweat monster Malc has been invloved will be participating in his third CFM game this year. Played a massive role in last seasons event with a man of the match display. Defensive dynamo with the looks of Bobby Charlton. The Malc is one guy you feel safe leaving your girlfriend with, no hes not gay he just prefers the older woman. A lot older that is. With the heart of a lion and ability of des walker the Malc brings comedy value and commitment in abundance.

James Richards:  a.k.a The Bald Assassin - His play, although unorthodox and often of questionable legality, is effective. He has pace in abundance and twins this with an quenchable thirst for victory. Similar to Sprite......he obeys his thirst.....poses a threat from set-pieces and can ping one when required. A leader of men, women and some farm yard animals. MOM alert.

Kev Owen:  Kev has amazing pace, oh wait, Kev used to have amazing pace before he got old. Kev is a bit of a Yorkshire terrier, always biting at your ankles and just generally annoying the hell out of you, suppose he could be a bit of a Robbie Savage. Since he got old his passion for the game has dwindled and he now spends his time on the pitch kicking youngsters who are faster than him. Pops up with some important goals when it counts and has even hit the gym in preparation for the big game.

Martyn Gilbert:  The younger of the two Gilbert brothers, Martyn Cassilas Gilbert as he likes to be known is a formidable player between the sticks. Cat like reflexes and the ability to put his face where it hurts make him seriously annoying when your playing against him. Has an eye for the younger ladies and a strange love for the colour green. Not bad on pitch either.

Paul Maynard:  Once known for his lightning pace and clinical finishing, this aging goal scorer now spends his time looking at Wembley through his window rather than dreaming of playing there. Has been compared to Gigi Buffon but couldn't catch a cold let alone a shot mainly due to his t-rex like arms. Bound to hit the back of the net at some point, probably in the warm up....

Richard Harries:  Taffy, he is new to the CFM participants but our Welsh friend will bring a work rate similar to David Beckham in his prime... Work rate I said not ability, looks, money and a good looking wife… Rich is Mr Energiser Bunny, you will see him charging round the pitch, closing players down, making tackles and scoring magnificent own goals. A great addition to the fold.

Richard Kelly:  The albino-esque Pep Guardiola of Gidea Park, leaps like a salmon but has the turning circle of the titanic. He is known for ferocious shot and his glass ankles one of which are bound to make an appearance this afternoon. Could be an integral part of his team as long as he isn't doing DIY at home....

Stuart Holden: Replacement for the injured Liam Kelly - Stuart is an Asset Servicing Guru by day and a Norwich City supporting football Wizard by night. Fortunately for the Tigers we are playing during the day…

Wilf Conway:  Making his first appearance in the name of CFM, Wilf could be described as the energiser bunny as he just keeps going and going and going. Great stamina and the ability to ping a pass make Wilf a great player to have in your squad. A recent hair cut has had the ladies flocking, thinking he is Max from the wanted. Sorry girls he's happily married.

The Tigers 

Alex Salter: Another first timer in a CFM shirt, Salter used to be a quality player and has been working hard on his fitness of late. Salter uses his obscene good looks to charm opposition players into giving him the ball. The Jamie Redknapp of the squad apart from his shooting ability isn't the best but im sure he will score in Norwich in one way or another!!

Andy Bennett:  Andy is a barman from his local in Leicester but originally hails from Leeds, that officially makes him dirty. A centre forward who plays like Wanchope and moans like Balotelli. A definite sick note who loves an injury, his glass knee could be a major factor in the big game.  If he has to leave the pitch early though his skills as a barman will be put to good use and he can line them up for us as we leave the pitch.

Carlos Gilbert:  Big Daddy Carlos has participated in all previous CFM events and been on the score sheet twice both in emphatic style.  His playing style is a  cross between Hulk Hogan and Dennis Bergkamp Carlos brings power and pace with a touch of penache.  The blonde assassin is a valuable addition to any team.

Dave Cullen:  When you think of Cullen you might be forgiven for thinking of such great players as Crouch, Southgate and a most recent shout has been Martin Skrtel.  With not being allowed to shave his head for this years game due to his upcoming wedding his powers have diminished. What he lacks in ability he makes up for with heart and the occasional bribe. Head and shoulders above the other players, but only in height.

Dominick Hardy:  Former Welsh schoolboy international, renowned for breaking goal-scoring records everywhere he went (most penalty misses, worst goals per minute average, least goals scored in a season....). Recently turned his hand to 5-a-side management and garnered the ultimate accolade of being undefeated for the entire season (except for the one game they lost). A little out of 11-a-side practice due to injury so likely to be hit-and-miss this game - meaning if he hits it, he misses.

Gareth Sparrowhawk:  The Oxford element of the CFM team, many have tried to define this guy when he crosses the white lines of a football pitch, some of the words used or been heard… Unfit, Useless, Sublime, Silly, magnificent, moron but the best word to use would be MEMORABLE.

You may mistake him for a fat Jan Molby - not the most agile but excellent at the short pass (anything in the range of 1 - 4 yards that is). This "utility" player can adopt many positions on the pitch with most preferring him on the bench.. Gareth has twice been robbed of Man of the Match Trophy so maybe this time it will be his… you are very likely to get a moment of comedy genius with this guy…

Jack Brennan:  Has recently been spotted grazing the left hand touchline of Henderson's "first team" pitch...he has started several games but not played in any. Do not let this one trick pony (he's going bottom left) fool you, his diminutive stature is more than made up for with his low centre of gravity and belly... Has been unfavourably compared to Matt Etherington but only because of his gambling addiction.

Jimmy Smith: Traditional Left Winger, a left foot that can open a tin can and  pace to burn but usually found keeping the bench warm at local table toppers Pateley Bridge FC. World class passer, tricky dribbler, strong in the air and a sharp eye for goal, shame it's only on Fifa. Made his full Norwich City debut on November 4th 1995 versus Huddersfield Town at the tender age of 8, as mascot, keeping then goalkeeper and club legend Bryan Gunn's hands warm knocking penalties past him and heading in fine deliveries from legendary winger and long time idol Darren Eadie. Was once told he makes Pavel Nedved look like Luke Chadwick if only for that bright mop of blond flying down the left hand side of the pitch!!

John Scurfield: a.k.a Geordie Boy....The only 'overseas' player to be partaking in today's game, an American by birth, with New Zealand roots and Geordie ties, his background arguably as confusing as his love life, and equally as varied. A handsome chap, his talented left foot can provide moments of magic, although rare, he can be at his mercurial best, if so, beware. Possesses a short fuse, sharp wit / big mouth and an eye for the opposite sex, watch out for his fake and fade, fake and fade....and repeat. The comb over kid. Goal Alert.

Kris Graham:  Some say he is like Ronaldo, goes missing during big games and in the case of Henderson's the big leagues!! In order to save his career this flamboyant attacking midfielder dropped to the lower leagues only to find himself playing right back...still a threat but not in front of the oppositions goal just at a karaoke bar. He will be used later in proceedings to clear the bar with his rendition of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs"...

Micky Shea:  Tempted out of retirement for the first time, this hard battling central midfielder now finds himself on the right not due to a lack of skill but because its easier...this one time Michael Carrick lookalike now bears an uncanny resemblance to Howard from Take That... Watch out for his famous Cruyff turns a prize will be awarded for the closest guess in multiples of 10...

Rob Sullivan:  "The Man, the Legend". The creator of CFM, many words can be used to describe him, but not his football prowess as he doesn't normally last longer than 5 minutes, although the wife says differently. The man known as The Beef is more of a rugby fan than football but could be compared to Neil "Razor" Ruddock due to his manly jaw line, permanent stubble and distain for the French...

Ryan Tuckwood:  Recently left the fair English isle for pastures new and has emigrated to Australia. Making a return for the CFM this year he is showing a massive commitment to the cause. Tucky was captain in the Project Rivalry game and has an eye for goal as well as an eye for fashion. A tanned up Tucky will be raring to go but will he cope with the English weather, lets hope its a Gday for him.

Scott Newcombe:  Also known as Duke…. He is oxfords version of Dustin Hoffman, the marathon man. Scott may look large but housed in that store shed of muscle and energy stores that burn last… Scott packs a venomous lash and a crisp ping. Not one to back out of a tackle, dig in a players ribs and the creator of the "Power Hour". Scott brings a bit of Shire magic to the line ups.

Stefan Simons:  The Mark Viduka of the team - in that he's more skilful than he looks. Has the glory of scoring a hat-trick at the Kop end of Anfield and the infamy of being filmed trying to remove his shirt in celebration only for it to get stuck round his waist.

Out through injury: 

Dave Hiles:  a.k.a The Horses A*se - The name refers to his unusually large posterior, don't let his sluggish appearance fool you, he possesses a lightening quick sprint and a shot that whilst unpredictable in direction, more so than Happy Gillmore's slap shot, it's just as lethal when on target. Team player, lacks fitness and ability but makes up for it in good looks and brute strength. Goal alert.

Liam Kelly:  The young cousin of Jack and Rich Kelly has learnt from past mistakes at previous CFMs and now loves an older woman. Some compare him to Lionel Messi for his dribbling ability the main difference being Messi does it with a ball at his feet not a beer in his hand!! Pacy and has an eye for goal as well as the ladies...